oh, you wanted the truth...?
Jack was born and raised an only child to an affluent family of Irish royalty who had amassed a fortune after Jack's great grandfather, Biff, developed synthetic ostrich feathers that he patented as the "Psuedo-plume" which are now used for costumes in tacky casino resort shows and parades all over the world. Forced to take up a musical instrument by the cruel headmaster of the Rufus T. Spaulding School for Boys, Jack proved a prodigy at playing classical harmonium. He also became captain of the boondoggling team (which made him quite popular with the ladies!) and a staunch member of the debating team. "He was quite a master debater!" Professor Corkey would later say. Unsatisfied by material wealth, popularity, and success, Jack left one day after a burned out hippie called, "Shtump" from Greenwich Village handed him a picture of a smiling Italian looking gentleman with a huge moustache who turned out to be none other thanAvatar Meher Baba. He disappeared to reside in an abandoned Kentucky mine shaft meditating, waiting for a sign from God which direction he should take with his life when suddenly an old piece of wood he was holding began to grow six wire strings, the walls of the mine disappeared, and he was all at once standing in the middle of a football stadium full of frenzied humanity all lighting funny cigarettes and screaming, "ONE MORE!"
Jack has since gone on to ghost write hits for every single artist that anyone's ever heard on any radio in the world.
